And...I'm done!

Today would have been my 20 year wedding anniversary.  I'm a little tender tonight...I won't lie. This post is going to be pretty raw and is fueled by frustration and some anger.  I will probably erase it someday...but for now, I'd like to write down my thoughts.  It's at this moment I wish so badly I was better at expressing how I feel...my words don't ever seem to get it quite right.  But I'll give it a try :)

My 30 day online dating experiment is officially over....whew!  And what do I have to show for it?? A little less faith in men,  a little more understanding of myself and a renewed and more fierce commitment to the law of chastity.

I met 7 men in 30 days. I have put them into 3 categories... NI (No Interest), P (Pervert) and MM (Meth Mouth).  3 were NI's, 3 were P's and 1 MM.  Do I need to explain MM??  He really was a nice guy who had been through SO much...a little too much for me to wrap my head around.

NI's were nice enough, but I felt NOTHING.  No interest at all.  And really, one of the worst parts of dating is telling a good man you aren't interested.  It breaks my heart and I try to avoid it at all costs. Although, I have learned that being honest about it quickly is best, but it still SUCKS.

The men I want to vent about today are the P's.  These are the men who claim to be "good LDS" men who say all the right things and look the part...but are only after one thing from women.  Now I have to say - I understand the loneliness of divorce and the pang of missing affection and closeness with someone. Honestly, that's one of the most difficult parts of divorce.  So I get that.  But it makes me sad when men who are probably good people, confuse women as objects or sex as love. Chastity is something they should be protecting.  A virtuous woman is something they should admire. Right? The frustrating part of this is that it seems to be the norm.  It's so accepted, especially in this LDS mid-single lifestyle I am now a part of.  It's almost like, because it's so hard to stay chaste after you've been married, that Heavenly Father must not really expect that from us. I even had one guy tell me that I would never find a man willing to wait for marriage and that I was going to be single for the rest of my life if I didn't just give into it.  He told me I was deceived and he was VERY disappointed in me... :/ He needed a kick in the crotch. So much more could be said...so many more details could be given...but you get the gist.

I have to say, in the past year, I have met some wonderful, GOOD men who for various reasons haven't worked out. THEY give me hope. And I have the best dad, bros and bro-in-laws on earth. They are exceptional men who treat women with respect and kindness. I know that there is someone out there for me...I'm just not going to find him on Match.com because I am done with online dating. FOREVER.

I love the story of Rebekah and Isaac... It always makes me smile and fills me with hope.  The best part of the story is when Rebekah first saw Isaac and he first saw her. For "virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light."  When Isaac went out to meet the caravan, Rebekah "lighted off her camel."  And then it says, "And he loved her." Awe!  That's what I'm talking about!